ADHDers, their partners, and their relationships

Support for ADHDers has increased tremendously the last few years. As far as I can gather, the UK is the only country so far that has put specific support in place for the workplace in the form of Access to Work. More and more ADHD support groups pop up and all of this is of course of great benefit to the ADHDer.

But there is a forgotten group.

Two years ago I launched a pilot programme for the partners of ADHDers, after realising that there was nowhere for them to go. Having grown up with an ADHDer as a father and knowing the feeling of having to walk on eggshells around him all the time, I have a good sense of what it may be like to live with an ADHDer. At the same time I am ADHD myself and so have a good idea of what it is like to be ADHD….

ADHD is both a blessing and a curse and it depends on individual circumstances and the individual brain wiring where that balance falls.

Many ADHDers (including myself) have struggled or are struggling in relationships. The whole ‘out of sight, out of mind’ thing means that keeping in contact is difficult and remembering those texts to say that you will be late are often forgotten. Most of us much prefer in person communication, finding writing emails or making phonecalls excruciating.

When we start out in relationships, we tend to mask our ‘worst’ tendencies. Plus at that point our new partner is our hyperfocus and we cannot stop thinking about them. That means they get showered with attention. And meanwhile we hold ourselves in, we don’t let them see our overwhelm, our intense emotions, our distractibility, and our disorganisation.

We get so much out of relationships. They give us structure. They give us support. We want to keep this going. And so we mask. But this is exhausting and at some point the mask has got to drop - sudden complete emotional instability, made much worse by having tried so hard to hold it all in. Is it any wonder our partners don’t understand us?

ADHDers feel different from others. This leads to difficulties with communication with others. We simply do not communicate the same way. We struggle to listen to others for longer periods of time. This leads them to think we do not care enough about them to pay attention.

When we try to explain about our ADHD, we start to realise how little most people understand about ADHD and how many stereotypes still exist. People tell us it doesn’t exist and is just an excuse for laziness. They tell us that we should eat better, exercise more, just try harder….

We know that ADHD affects our entire life. We know that we think differently, feel differently, behave differently, and experience life differently. This disconnect with how others are causes us stress and social stigma and social expectations intensify this stress. This may be a very hard concept to bring across to a new partner. 

When we are in a hyperfocus episode our partner becomes invisible for a while. At other times we forget what they said five minutes ago. We don’t remember details. And above all, we struggle to regulate our emotions. And those emotions are very intense.

Self awareness does not come easily to ADHDers. We live in the moment and self awareness means to take a step back and look at ourselves from that perspective. We don’t pause long enough to note our successes but get stuck with our failures. Our self belief, our self efficacy, is impaired. This leads to common comorbidities like depression, anxiety, and substance use disorder.

So what is this like for the partner?

From my partners programme I now know that the emotion dysregulation is one of the biggest difficulties for the partners. ADHDers can suddenly erupt. I often describe non-ADHDers emotions like a calm lake, ADHDers emotions like ocean waves, where suddenly a tsunami can roar through and leaves devastation in its path.

Partners end up feeling like they have another child and start treating the ADHDer as such. They feel they have to protect their ADHD partner. The ADHDer becomes passive and stops initiating tasks. This is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

There are reasons that the partners fell in love and they do realise that the creativity, zest for life, humour, and intense focus and playfulness are characteristics that they love. It is just that feeling like all the responsibility lies on their shoulders that makes them exhausted and feeling like a parent or a manager.

Often the partners feel they cannot spend time on their own passions and hobbies. They spend all their time ‘taking care’ of their partners and their partner’s life.

It is hard for partners to get a thorough understanding of ADHD. So much in the popular literature is still deficit based or focused on children. 

I work with the couples on different ways of communication, of understanding how brain wiring can make a difference in how they communicate. We work on getting rid of all the misunderstandings. We discuss how we can make the relationship more equal. How not to parent the ADHDer.

We talk about organisation and how the typical ways that people tend to organise spaces, and the typical ways in that they tidy and clean, that these do not work for ADHDers and that therefore alternatives need to be found. We discuss the fact that for ADHDers everything is work. Nothing ever becomes truly automatic and so things that for the partners feels like no effort, is still tiring for the ADHDer.

We work on conflict management and on identifying the needs of the partners and whether these needs are being addressed in the relationship. We discuss the importance of setting boundaries for themselves and the need for them to get their soul nourishment.

If you would like to know more, send me a message. If you would like to join my next Partners programme which starts on the 5th of September, follow this link https://www.scatterbraincoaching.co.uk/offers/Js7wycvo

Bibiography

Zeides Taubin, D., & Maeir, A. (2024). “I wish it wasn’t all on me”: women’s experiences living with a partner with ADHD. Disability and Rehabilitation, 46(14), 3017–3025. https://doi.org/10.1080/09638288.2023.2239158

Ginapp, C. M., Greenberg, N. R., Macdonald-Gagnon, G., Angarita, G. A., Bold, K. W., & Potenza, M. N. (2023). The experiences of adults with ADHD in interpersonal relationships and online communities: A qualitative study. SSM - Qualitative Research in Health, 3. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssmqr.2023.100223

Marie, C., & Hargrove, Y. (n.d.). ADHD, FINANCES, AND COUPLES: THE MEDIATING ROLE OF SELF-EFFICACY.R